Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
You Might Also Like
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer