whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
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PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Respect
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Is your wife single?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.