People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
🙀🙀🙀😹
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit