Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Thoughts
#oldknees
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine