My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
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me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
dam girl
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
damn he’s good
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.