Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me, flirting😏
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US