I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
You Might Also Like
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work