Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
We avoided this particular disaster
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.