6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
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Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Smile they said.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I’m not lazy
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”