Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
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Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
i will not be silenced
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.