[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
new record!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The photographer’s assistant
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters