First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
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Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo