me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
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Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Stonehinge
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it