Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
thank god
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
spicy snake
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!