I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
also my go-to takeaway order
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
The happy life.. 😊
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad