Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
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suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Happy Friday
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂