He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
You Might Also Like
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust