Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I am having an out of money experience.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”