[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
You Might Also Like
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.