So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”