I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.