Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad