[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
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February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Cucumbers Anonymous
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
The three genders.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
You are what you delete.