Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
This kid is a star!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Worst perfume name ever.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.