every single time
You Might Also Like
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
your honor my client chooses dare
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.