ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
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He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
seems fine
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
When they try to steal your moment.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
This did not end as expected.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie