My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
me, after any kind of buffet.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”