“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
fr
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.