Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
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Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert