“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach