Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff