A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
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Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp