obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Woke up against my better judgment again
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]