If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
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Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
You can’t outrun your problems…
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
mom had nothing to worry about
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.