New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”