JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
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Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer