Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.