Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
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*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?