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“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
my first day as a raccoon
THIS HEADLINE
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details