Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*