Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
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Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult