There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?