LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.