Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
All. The. Damn. Time.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
do what now??
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
me 2 months after i graduated
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Just why bro?!
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop