I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
you have three unread messages
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong