you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions