Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
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A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
rise and shine we got egg
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.