For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
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if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.