Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
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If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
They’re on their honeymoon
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)