Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.